Posts tagged borderline personality disorder

BPD graced the presence of Post Secret this week. Made me smile and then want to cry.

If it’s the middle of the night and you’re feeling alone,
don’t read other testaments of borderline experiences.

If you can’t sleep because you know the nightmares hurt too bad,
or if it hurts too badly to wake up,
DON’T ruminate on exactly the hell that you would be in.

If you are anything like me,
and you just want to live through this-

JUST FUCKING DON’T.

In this moment,

just right now,

in this very moment,

all I want is for you to be here.

Well… I’m in kind of an informational mood. So I’ve decided so share some difference research and information on BPD.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, so being diagnosed with that at age 11 really came as no shock to me. However, being diagnosed borderline was a COMPLETELY different story. 

It’s a harsh reality to accept. People try to say “don’t let a diagnosis define you”… But… it’s a freaking personality disorder. That literally IS the definition of me. I mean I understand that it may be the cards I was dealt, just a part of me, not the sum of the whole. But… it’s still hard to swallow.

I take a cocktail of psychiatrics every morning while I stand in front of my bathroom mirror and hate myself. I go through terrible side-effects to drugs that I see infomercials on tv for medical claims. I sit through group therapy where I get panic attacks, bouts of anger, moments of complete depression, and every other emotion under the sun. I put myself on some therapist’s couch for an hour at a time, trying to work through WHY I did the stupid shit that I do. And it’s worth it.

Getting help has been one of the most worthwhile things I’ve done in my life. 

I have a tendency to self-harm. Some days, when I look down at my arms, I see battle scars reminding me of the war that I battle through every day. And no one even sees the fight going on in me. And I’m proud that I’m alive. I’m proud that I’m winning.

Other days, all I want to do is claw at myself. Because I hate myself so much that I feel the only thing I deserve is pain. I’m not worth love or care or friendship. I’m worthless. 

My scars, whether testaments to the fights I’ve won or the struggles I can’t get through, are my story. They are a part of me. They’re one of my perks.

It’s interesting: I’ve read and heard a lot of the question asked “Can a person grow out of being borderline?”

This is an interesting question because it’s definitely got a double-sided answer in my head. No, I don’t think you can “outgrow” borderline personality disorder. But you can learn how to overcome it, move past it, control it.

My insurance gave this answer to a similar question:

Many people find relief from harmful symptoms within the first year of treatment.¹ And about half of those treated find that they no longer have most of the behaviors after about 10 years of treatment.¹

That does not mean that it disappears, but that it can be manageable. That being said, you have to work your ass off to get there. I’m about a year past initially seeking help for my borderline symptoms. And yeah, I am at a point where there is relief for SOME of the harmfulness. Doesn’t mean that the desire to self-harm, be reckless and impulsive, and have substance/alcohol abusive tendencies have disappeared. But sometimes they are less.

One of the most helpful things that I’ve done is join a group therapy program for emotional regulation. This group is a year-length continually cycling program that goes through Dialectal Behavior Therapy. You may ask: What is that?

-Well… here’s a short paragraph I found explaining it: